I feel with this story that I did a pretty good job at giving a little bit of history about my family and how it ended up growing. I think that there is quiet a bit of dialogue which is better then just telling it, but in the beginning where i talk about the fight in this paragragh, I could have some more."After about six months, things at my dad’s house went down hill. My step mother and I started to fight about stupid stuff. It started to get really bad. My dad would always take her side and always change everything that he ended up saying originally for what she wanted her to say. One time he went to me and said that I did nothing wrong, but then after talking to her he went back and said that it was my fault. It got to the point that I couldn’t live at his house anymore so I had to do something to get out." With this paragraph, i feel that it is a huge part of the story, but only in a small paragraph. This fight is why my mom was there for me so i feel that i can expand on it.
I have a little bit of description for describing my mom like, "She has the same weathered acorn eye color and they are almond shape. Her hair is brunette with streaks of caramel and chestnut through it just like mine," but there isn't much more then that and I feel as if it could be stronger.
Some feedback that I would like back on this paper is if the dialogue is strong. I know that I have quite a bit, but I don't know how strong it really is. In my paper I describe my mom physically but I don't know if there is enough description. I like feedback on the amount of description I have, or if there needs to be more. I would also like feedback on my transitions along with my example. I don't know if my example is strong enough just to have one or if I should add one or two more examples.
Encouraging Mom
“Morgan, you need to give him another chance. You need to give him the benefit of the doubt” My mother explained to me.
My parents split up when I was in 6th grade. It was a hard time, but I dealt with it quite well. My sister and I had a set schedule for where we were supposed to be on set night. Mondays and Wednesdays I was at my mom’s house. On Tuesday and Thursday I was to spend the night at my dad’s house. I would switch every weekend and then on Sundays I would switch too. It worked out well when it was just the three of us at each house. But that didn’t last long.
By the end of seventh grade, my mom had found my step dad and my dad had found my step mom. We were switching around houses and in the end they ended up moving in with us and there were two new houses. At first everything was fine. I liked both my step mom and my step dad. I got along with my step siblings too. Everything seemed like it would have all worked out but that just wasn’t the case.
After about six months, things at my dad’s house went down hill. My step mother and I started to fight about stupid stuff. It started to get really bad. My dad would always take her side and always change everything that he ended up saying originally for what she wanted her to say. One time he went to me and said that I did nothing wrong, but then after talking to her he went back and said that it was my fault. It got to the point that I couldn’t live at his house anymore so I had to do something to get out.
That first night that I left there, I had my mom come and pick me up. She was always there for me and always came and got me whenever I needed her to. She would always say to me “I will keep my phone on me incase you need me,” My mom is a lot like me. She has the same weathered acorn eye color and they are almond shape. Her hair is brunette with streaks of caramel and chestnut through it just like mine.
After I left, I went back to my mom’s house. She would sit there with me and talk to me about what happened for as long as I needed to. She would listen to what I said and comfort me. When she would talk to me to try and calm me down her voice was so comforting to me. Often her voice comes off as strong and confident, but not that night. That night was soothing. It was just what I needed.
“It just got too hard for me to handle over there I can’t handle it anymore,” I said to her that night when I got home.
That night she didn’t push anything or say anything about me going back over there anytime soon. She saved that for when I calmed down a few days later. She knew that I didn’t need to hear anything about wanting to go back over there. I think at that point she didn’t want me to. She just wanted me to stay at her house so I would be happy. She was almost as upset about the whole situation as I was.
After about a week, I still wasn’t talking to my dad. I was too stubborn to talk to him yet. I was still too hurt to talk to him. I was very angry at him at that point. The problem was that my mom knew that I hadn’t talked to him in a while and she always had a way of getting me to do what I knew that I should do.
“Morgan, have you talked to you dad yet?”
“No, I’m not ready to yet. He hurt me and I’m not ready to hear him spaz again”
“How do you know that he will? You need to look at things from the bright side. I’m not saying jump back over there and go to his house to spend the night again. But at least talk to him to make it so you still have a relationship with you father. He is your dad. You need to talk to him at some point.”
“I can’t do it though. I am sick of getting hurt and I can’t do it anymore. It is too hard.”
“Morgan, you need to look at the glass half full instead of half empty. I know that your dad can be very stubborn, but sometimes he can surprise you.”
After that talk, I waited a couple of more days before I ended up calling him. It was a little rocky but it worked out in the end. Every time that my dad and I have had a rocky time in our life, my mom has always been there to calm me down and lead me to do the right thing. She has always led me and encouraged me to look at the glass half full instead of half empty.
Hi Morgan,
ReplyDeleteI love that you wrote about your mother and I do hope that you share this with her once you get it polished!
Do some more work on your reflection. Expand this a bit. I like that you talked about how you came to select your topic. But now move toward analyzing the writing a bit. What do you think it does well? Explain with quotes from the draft to support it. What do you think are the weak points? You've suggested some but quote the paper itself as proof and analyze it a bit more.
Now for the feedback you wanted:
1. Some feedback that I would like back on this paper is if the dialogue is strong. I know that I have quite a bit, but I don't know how strong it really is.
The dialogue that you have is wonderful. I think we really get a real great sense of your mother's personality. My only suggestion is that the paper seems unbalanced. It is light on dialogue and then later is very heavy in dialogue. I wish it were more balanced throughout. I don't think to TELL us so much background information but instead you can let us hear it through dialogue or through the way that your mother talks to you and handles things. If the writing of that dialogue is strong, we will be able to see what you want us to see about your mother.
2. In my paper I describe my mom physically but I don't know if there is enough description. I like feedback on the amount of description I have, or if there needs to be more.
There could be more. It isn't completely necessary to support your dominant impression but it might be nice to help break up the dialogue between you and your mother. I think you can describe how she looks when she talks to you and how she looks when she waits for you to calm down about your dad.
Continued below...
My thoughts continued:
ReplyDelete3. I would also like feedback on my transitions along with my example. I don't know if my example is strong enough just to have one or if I should add one or two more examples.
I think I would rather have more examples than all that "telling writing." OR I would rather you focus on just this one example but to go in greater depth and to eliminate all that telling about her at the beginning. The choice is yours. If you have ideas for another story or similar conversation about problems with your dad, it might help. It wouldn't hurt if the story was totally unrelated but was instead about something different as long as the focus is on your mother and her handling of it and how she guides you.
ANd lastly a quick grammar thing. You wrote:
"'Morgan, you need to give him another chance. You need to give him the benefit of the doubt' My mother explained to me."
And it should read:
"Morgan, you need to give him another chance. You need to give him the benefit of the doubt," my mother explained.
You need the comma in there and you don't need to capitalize the "m" in my.
ANd later when you introduce your mother talking, you need a comma between when she talks and what she says. See me if you need more explanation or check it out in a fiction book to see how its done.
Good luck and I can't wait to read the revised!
Ms. BAsko